the shadows of once was
bubbly is a stretch, right? that's not who I am
Bubbly.
An adjective describing a cheerful, high-spirited person. Someone who talks a lot and is full of energy and enthusiasm.
Bubbly.
That was the word one of my co-workers recently used to describe me. Me, as in, Miss Ifeoluwa Yinka-Adebisi. It was a real shock to the system. The word didn’t quite align with my perception of self.
You see, I’m not bubbly. I’m the quiet kid in class that teachers say needs to speak up more. I’m the child known for frowning and speaking in a monotonous voice. I’m the girl who, 9 out of 10 times, will opt for isolation over any sort of social interaction. That’s who I am, right?
At least, that’s who I was…
Bubbly? Nah, this person must be mistaken.
But what if they’re not? Could that be who I am now, but mentally, I still have a tight grasp on the past, stuck living in the shadows of what once was?
Recently, I’ve started to realise that I still ascribe expired labels to my current identity. The most prevalent of these is my perceived lack of sociability.
For as long as I can remember, interpersonal interactions have never come easy to me. They’ve always required a lot of mental work and have been a source of severe apprehension. It’s a challenge I’ve had that mostly goes unnoticed by others, but it’s a very real part of my life.
That being said, over the past few years, I’ve made some big strides. I am more at ease around others and better able to cope in overstimulating environments. Yet, despite the growing catalogue of evidence to the contrary, I still default to labelling myself as socially inept.
Why is this?
Partially, it’s to do with the way the human brain is wired. Our brains are optimised for efficiency. Consequently, when we get good at something we automate it, making a habit that we no longer think about. However, at the same time, we are wired to learn by copying others. So, we often look outward to see what others have that we don’t, in order to adapt and improve. However, this outward focus tends to cause us to miss traits of our own that external eyes find admirable.
All this is to say, as we improve at things, we focus on them less, overlooking their value. So, even though we may have grown and changed, we still carry around old labels because we lack awareness of what has transpired.
I find that it is far more instinctual to take note of areas that need improvement than to glance back at how far I’ve come. Thus, I become mentally shackled by not allowing my sense of self to evolve to reflect the person I am at present.
This is one of the reasons we need trusted external voices feeding into our lives to provide some perspective. I am fortunate enough to have those sorts of people in my life; it’s just I process constructive criticism 10 times quicker than I do positive feedback, so it takes a while for certain things to sink in.
Another cause of my skewed self-perception is the strong attachments I hold to the old labels. Identity change is the deepest level of transformation – it’s hard to change who you believe yourself to be. It rarely happens passively; intentionality is required. Therefore, it’s something that has to actively be worked on.
All change starts with a choice.
For me, it starts with the following: do I choose to believe my co-worker when she describes me as bubbly?
Honestly, no. I still think that’s a bit of a stretch.
However, I choose to recognise that I’ve come a long way from the quiet, frowning, antisocial kid that I once was. So, I should stop letting what once was cast shadows over the present and be a hindrance for what is to come.
Bubbly…
I’ve not written off the word just yet. Let’s see what life outside the shadows holds.