days without rain
Charting the closest I've come to crying since May 2015.
of clear skies
May 2015. That was the last time I cried.
How do I know this, and why has it been so long? Let me explain.
Have you ever watched the 2006 Christmas classic, The Holiday? If you haven't, you should. Great film. I won't explain too much of the plot, but the main thing you need to know is that Cameron Diaz's character hasn't cried since her parents split as a child. To many watching, I'm sure this came across as a sad backstory, but to my young mind it was an inspirational tale.
You see, as an undiagnosed autistic child, one of the toughest struggles I had growing up was emotional regulation. I deemed feelings to be my foe, not my friend. I hated the lack of control. So at various points during my childhood, I made a vow to never cry again. The last of these was made on my 16th birthday.
This was a success... for all of 2–3 weeks, then my father proceeded to say something that did make me spill some tears. However, I have had dry eyes ever since.
At some point in early adulthood, I did realise that emotions weren't in fact my enemy, and suppressing them was probably not the healthiest thing to do, so I stopped actively trying not to cry.
However, for whatever reason, I am still yet to shed a tear...
In light of all this, I thought it would be fun to chart all my close calls.
-
01 Crazy Rich Asians wedding scene 7.0/10
Watching the wedding scene in Crazy Rich Asians for the first time
-
02 Kids asking their stepdad to adopt them 6.0/10
Watching video compilations of kids asking their stepdad to adopt them and/or legally changing their name
-
03 The scale of loss in Covid 7.0/10
Starting to comprehend the scale and mass of lives lost in Covid
→ dear 2020 -
04 The death of George Floyd and its aftermath 8.0/10
-
05 Ending of This Is Us episode 6x15 7.5/10
Seeing the end of Miguel's story in This Is Us episode 6x15
→ a divided man -
06 The death of my friend 9.0/10
-
07 A generous act by my father 6.0/10
An act of generosity by my dad during my unemployment era
→ 4.5 days -
08 Monsters by James Blunt 8.0/10
Listening to Monsters by James Blunt on loop for an hour on a random Tuesday
-
09 OG Anunoby's game 4 winner 5.0/10
Seeing OG Anunoby's game-clinching tip in game 4 of the 2026 NBA playoffs
→ knicks in 5
There are probably a few more, but these are the ones that I can remember at present.
