extras

days without rain

last updated: August 2026

May 2015. That was the last time I cried.

How do I know this, and why has it been so long? Let me explain.

Have you ever watched the 2006 Christmas classic, The Holiday? If you haven't, you should. Great film. I won't explain too much of the plot, but the main thing you need to know is that Cameron Diaz's character hasn't cried since her parents split as a child. To many watching, I'm sure this came across as a sad backstory, but to my young mind it was an inspirational tale.

You see, as an undiagnosed autistic child, one of the toughest struggles I had growing up was emotional regulation. I deemed feelings to be my foe, not my friend. I hated the lack of control. So at various points during my childhood, I made a vow to never cry again. The last of these was made on my 16th birthday.

This was a success... for all of 2–3 weeks, then my father proceeded to say something that did make me spill some tears. However, I have had dry eyes ever since.

At some point in early adulthood, I did realise that emotions weren't in fact my enemy, and suppressing them was probably not the healthiest thing to do, so I stopped actively trying not to cry.

However, for whatever reason, I am still yet to shed a tear...

In light of all this, I thought it would be fun to chart all my close calls.

(This is roughly in chronological order)

12345678910
  1. 1
    7
    The wedding scene in Crazy Rich Asians
  2. 2
    6
    Kids asking their stepdad to adopt them
  3. 3
    7
    Comprehending Covid's scale of loss
  4. 4
    8
    The death of George Floyd and its aftermath
  5. 5
    7.5
    Ending of This Is Us episode 6x15
  6. 6
    9
    The death of my friend
  7. 7
    6
    An act of generosity by my dad
  8. 8
    8
    Monsters by James Blunt, on loop
  9. 9
    5
    OG Anunoby's game-clinching tip, NBA playoffs game 4
  1. Watching the wedding scene in Crazy Rich Asians for the first time (7/10)
  2. Watching video compilations of kids asking their stepdad to adopt them and/or legally changing their name (6/10)
  3. Starting to comprehend the scale and mass of lives lost in Covid (7/10) → dear 2020
  4. The death of George Floyd and its aftermath (8/10) → a black and white question
  5. The ending of This Is Us episode 6x15 (7.5/10) → a divided man
  6. The death of my friend (9/10) → a chronicle of grief
  7. An act of generosity by my dad during my unemployment era (6/10) → 4.5 days
  8. Listening to Monsters by James Blunt on loop for an hour on a random Tuesday (8/10)
  9. Seeing OG Anunoby's game-clinching tip in game 4 of the 2026 NBA playoffs (5/10) → knicks in 5

There are probably a few more, but these are the ones that I can remember at present.