hiding from the light

I feel like I am someone who wants to be known by others, but I don’t want to open up to let them know me because I keep discovering new things about myself that aren’t yet figured out. I don’t like to release things to the public until they are packaged up, pretty and completely understood. Me rough and raw is vulnerable, often irrational, illogical and can’t be fully explained. It is beautiful and powerful but likes to hide from the light, away from the scrutiny of others. But whose judgment am I really fearing? Who am I apologising to for being myself? Why do I feel the need to always justify my existence and meet a certain standard of practice?

I want to be known, I think. But maybe I also fear it. There is an acute vulnerability in sharing a version of self that you don’t fully understand with others. But it is in the exposure of the most vulnerable and authentic parts of you that the deepest connections are formed.